Questioning myself

Last night I had high hopes of going to Lake Tobo and getting some swim time in. I had dropped my little buddy off at Awana and had about an hour before having to pick him up. So off to the lake I went.

When I got there I stopped at the front gate and I was told that the beaches were closed and no one was allowed to swim. They had an experienced diver that went diving this summer by himself and drowned. She told me there were on lifeguards on duty and I could not go. Then she told me to go ask the officers. So I went into their office and told them I was training for a TRI and asked if I could swim on the beach area in the shallow end so I could work on my breathing and sighting. He told me to go ahead that there should be no problem.

So I quickly changed clothes and jumped into the cold water. I was the only vehicle down there for about 5 minutes when I looked up and what do I see. Another vehicle pulled up right beside mine and 4 males sat in it and did not get out. I did not go back under the water. I looked like I was practicing my stretches and sighting. I kept looking back to see what was going on.

I could not concentrate. I was very mad. I did not know what they were up to. Maybe they just wanted to watch me and learn, yeah right. I could not stand it any longer. So I left. I went home pissed off cause it was just another day of failure for me. I did not need this. I need more days of improvement both physically and mentally. Maybe I jumped into this too quick. Maybe I should have gotten some more training time under my belt before attempting this. Maybe I should just say that I have a fear of open water and could come up with a million excuses to not do this.

Well I just have to do it. I was once told if I were afraid of heights, to go sky jumping. Well I am not going to that extreme so I went flying in a plane. Now I am more relaxed when I do it. Maybe just maybe something will click for me in the next week so that I will be able to do this stupid race. I am just mad with myself because I have seen the videos and listened to everyone on what to do. I just have a problem when I try and do it. I don't know what it wrong. Well for now, I am taking today off from reality and getting back into the pool tomorrow morning. Until then, please pray for me and call the Coast Guard and have them on stand by.